Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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