My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
