there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
