i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
