The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
