Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
