Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
