Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
