I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
