alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize