Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
