Plan B is the new Plan A
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize