did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
