I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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