I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
