wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
