I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
