walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
