I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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