You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
