dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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