he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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