I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
