Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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