hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
