i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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