five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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