well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
