Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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