what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
