the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
