I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
