this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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