I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
