she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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