So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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