yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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