dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
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