Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
