I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize