He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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