He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
