I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
