On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
