Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
