A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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