this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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