You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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