I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize