Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
