sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
