Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
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