Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
