If that was your dad, he is hot
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
