first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
