Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So much rum. So many feels.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
