so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
she looked like the before picture.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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