Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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