listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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