I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
