Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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