I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
