Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize