god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i was born a porn star she said
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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