wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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