I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
