The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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