i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize