Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
