my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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