Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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