So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
